*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
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Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I am all good here, 😂😉
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.