“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
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90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.