When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
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Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Why soy sad?
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year