“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
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All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
They did not miss in the small print
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second