People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
You Might Also Like
We’ve all been there…
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.