@HollyMemphis

*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*

@HollyMemphis

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

@HollyMemphis

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

@HollyMemphis

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

@HollyMemphis

Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”

@HollyMemphis

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”

@HollyMemphis

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

@HollyMemphis

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?