@Holy_Mowgli

me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin

dermatologist: aloe

me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin

@Holy_Mowgli

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

@Holy_Mowgli

america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun

@Holy_Mowgli

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

@Holy_Mowgli

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*

@Holy_Mowgli

her: did you know Weezer covered Africa

me: [impressed] with what

@Holy_Mowgli

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

@Holy_Mowgli

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

@Holy_Mowgli

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*