Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
Follow us on Instagram. That's it, don't make us say cringy things like YouTubers say at the end of their videos. Click here to follow us
@Holy_Mowgli : colonel mustard's first name is dijonathan
@Holy_Mowgli: DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he's my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
@Holy_Mowgli: the hulk is green because he's not ripe yet
@Holy_Mowgli: [customer service desk]
customer: hi, I'd like to make a return
me: ok great I'll see you later then
@Holy_Mowgli: ME: so I'm taking him down the hall and he's like "have a nice day" and I'm like "you too"
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that's so embarrassing
@Holy_Mowgli: [1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
@Holy_Mowgli: BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
@Holy_Mowgli: what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
@Holy_Mowgli: "Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on"
@Holy_Mowgli: CUSTOMER: i'm here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that'll be $44.99