Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Follow us on Instagram. That's it, don't make us say cringy things like YouTubers say at the end of their videos. Click here to follow us

Page of Holy_Mowgli's best tweets

@Holy_Mowgli : colonel mustard's first name is dijonathan

@Holy_Mowgli: DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he's my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

@Holy_Mowgli: [customer service desk]
customer: hi, I'd like to make a return
me: ok great I'll see you later then

@Holy_Mowgli: ME: so I'm taking him down the hall and he's like "have a nice day" and I'm like "you too"
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that's so embarrassing

@Holy_Mowgli: [1907. the first convenience store opens]


@Holy_Mowgli: BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

@Holy_Mowgli: what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

@Holy_Mowgli: "Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on"

@Holy_Mowgli: CUSTOMER: i'm here for the $10 car wash?

CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that'll be $44.99