@Holy_Mowgli

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

@Holy_Mowgli

[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

@Holy_Mowgli

ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing

@Holy_Mowgli

[1907. the first convenience store opens]

GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn

@Holy_Mowgli

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

@Holy_Mowgli

what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

@Holy_Mowgli

CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?

CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99