@Holy_Mowgli

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

@Holy_Mowgli

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

@Holy_Mowgli

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

@Holy_Mowgli

ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet

@Holy_Mowgli

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

@Holy_Mowgli

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

@Holy_Mowgli

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

@Holy_Mowgli

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired

@Holy_Mowgli

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

@Holy_Mowgli

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.