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Page of Holy_Mowgli's best tweets

@Holy_Mowgli : I hate saying "I told you so" so I'm just going to spray-paint it on your car.

@Holy_Mowgli: [police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that's airtight

@Holy_Mowgli: ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we're not ready for kids yet

@Holy_Mowgli: [first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I'm not gonna make the light

@Holy_Mowgli: DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

@Holy_Mowgli: BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

@Holy_Mowgli: BOSS: you're fired
ME: please give me another chance, I'm struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that's the problem…you're the worst waiter I've ever hired

@Holy_Mowgli: FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i'm a doctor

@Holy_Mowgli: Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

@Holy_Mowgli: *visiting Egypt*

"What the hell, they walk like everybody else!"