@HomeProbably

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

@HomeProbably

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

@HomeProbably

Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.

@HomeProbably

When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.

@HomeProbably

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

@HomeProbably

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

@HomeProbably

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.