@HomeProbably Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
@HomeProbably 
@HomeProbably That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
@HomeProbably “You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
@HomeProbably Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
@HomeProbably Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
@HomeProbably Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
@HomeProbably When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
@HomeProbably I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
@HomeProbably I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
@HomeProbably Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.