@HomeProbably: Let's walk and talk.

You go that way.

@HomeProbably: Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.

@HomeProbably: When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.

@HomeProbably: I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

@HomeProbably: I always thought that saying, 'the more, the merrier' was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn't make any sense at all.

@HomeProbably: Dogs can't talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

@HomeProbably: You: Hold my beer.

Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*

@HomeProbably: A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.

@HomeProbably: When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.