I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?


Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.


My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.

I sold their house.


[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.


Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.


Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.