@HomeProbably

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

@HomeProbably

Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.

@HomeProbably

My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.

I sold their house.

@HomeProbably

[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.

@HomeProbably

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

@HomeProbably

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.