Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.