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Page of HomeWithPeanut's best tweets

@HomeWithPeanut : Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?

@HomeWithPeanut: Me: What's a six-letter word for "unhurriedly?"

Wife: Slowly.

Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t...i-s...a...s-i-x...

@HomeWithPeanut: Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

@HomeWithPeanut: Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.

@HomeWithPeanut: My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don't go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

@HomeWithPeanut: [Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the...KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

@HomeWithPeanut: Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

@HomeWithPeanut: Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You're not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I'm just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

@HomeWithPeanut: Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

How do some animals just abandon their young like that??

After kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

[Takes notes]

@HomeWithPeanut: [One hour past bedtime]

[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!

Me: YES?

3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.

Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don't sleep, hates that chair being warm.

3:

Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.