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Page of HomeWithPeanut's best tweets

@HomeWithPeanut : Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?


Me: Do a puzzle?


Me: Paint?


Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

@HomeWithPeanut: Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You're not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I'm just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

@HomeWithPeanut: Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

How do some animals just abandon their young like that??

After kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

[Takes notes]

@HomeWithPeanut: [One hour past bedtime]

[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!

Me: YES?

3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.

Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don't sleep, hates that chair being warm.


Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.

@HomeWithPeanut: *Gets bit by spider*

*I don't get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

@HomeWithPeanut: Your sex life as a parent basically becomes "Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep."

@HomeWithPeanut: People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I've recently looked for my cellphone under the couch...using the flashlight on my cellphone.

@HomeWithPeanut: *Joins sleep study to get a full night's rest away from my kids*

@HomeWithPeanut: I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

@HomeWithPeanut: (Watching "Dateline" before kids)
"Why the hell would he fake his own death?"

(Watching "Dateline" after kids)
*Takes notes*