@Home_Halfway

ME: Oh my god, it’s so nice to have company after so long. Please come in, we’re best friends now

BURGLAR: Um

@Home_Halfway

Quartantine:

Day 1: I have bought many groceries. I am prepared for months of isolation

Day 2: I have eaten all groceries and will need to return to the store

Day 3: I have eaten all groceries and will need to return to the store

Day 4: I have eaten all groceries and will nee

@Home_Halfway

I don’t understand billionaires who still work. You have a thousand million dollars. If I won $500 in a lottery ticket I’d try to retire

@Home_Halfway

I’m actually not looking forward to my wife having the baby. I hate meeting new people

@Home_Halfway

GRANDPA: I built 3 of my own houses by myself

ME: I held in a yawn last night and it made my chest hurt and I was worried I was gonna die

@Home_Halfway

A cannibal and his vegetarian friend go to brunch. They both order a danish.

@Home_Halfway

INTERVIEWER: What’s your best strength?

ME: I’m very self-lubricated

INT: You mean self-motivated?

ME: *slides out of the office* Nooooooooooo

@Home_Halfway

{in the ER}
WIFE: My husband broke his leg
ME: From sex
W: He fell off a ladder
ME: During sex
W: While painting
ME: Painting sex
W: SHUT UP

@Home_Halfway

JUDGE: Has the jury reached the verdict?

T-REX JURY: Um, we’re unable reach anything Your Honor