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Page of Home_Halfway's best tweets

@Home_Halfway : Pennywise got his name because he's very savvy financially.

He lives in the sewer to avoid paying rent, and he eats kids instead of buying groceries.

@Home_Halfway: PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They're gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON: They're going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now

@Home_Halfway: [on horseback dressed as a knight]

ME: I wish to battle your King

CASHIER: Sir please get out of the drive-thru

ME: Tell that coward to come out and defend his throne

CASHIER: There is no actual Burger King

ME: Lies

@Home_Halfway: RACCOON: I haven't been feeling so good lately

DOCTOR: We'll let's see. Have you been staying up all night?

RACCOON: Yes

DOCTOR: What have you been eating?

RACCOON: Garbage

DOCTOR: Well you're doing all the right things

@Home_Halfway: ROSE: I'll never let go Jack

JACK: You have room

ROSE: I'll never let go

JACK: You're in a sailboat

ROSE: Goodbye Jack

JACK: You have a cooler of beer on deck

ROSE:

JACK: The boat has a living room

ROSE:

JACK:

ROSE: Dude can't you just take a hint

@Home_Halfway: LAWYER: Can you tell the court where you were the night of the murder

ENGLISH TEACHER: I'm sure I CAN, yes

LAWYER: Ugh. Please tell the court where you were the night of the murder

ENGLISH TEACHER: Much better. I was killing the victim

@Home_Halfway: Sorry for writing "Everyone makes mistakes" in your wedding guestbook.

@Home_Halfway: ME: I miss you

KIDNAPPER: Look. I got the ransom money, your family got you back. It's done. Stop calling me.

@Home_Halfway: WIFE: Here, be careful. Lift with your knees

ME: My knees don't have hands, how am I supposed to do that

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: I don't understand how you have a doctorate

@Home_Halfway: ME: Are these your kids in this photo on your desk?

BOSS: Yep, Shaun and Kendra

ME: *taking out phone* I'll show you my kids, Whiskers and Meowly Cyrus

BOSS: Uh, cats aren't kids

ME: I don't have any cats