I occasionally sew religious clothing but I’d never make a habit of it.
AGE 17: I’m gonna play this game on nightmare mode and complete everything
AGE 27: I’ll play this on hard mode but probably won’t do every quest
AGE 37: I died just turning the game on
[First day as a CIA agent]
Agent: Shooter approaching at 11 o’clock
Me: *looks at watch* Oh nice, we have some time then
I hate that I can’t go anywhere for the holidays, unlike previous years where I hated having to go somewhere for the holidays.
You’ve heard of elf on a shelf; now get ready for…
Why is ham the only lunch meat that gets its own radio
Me: I have a Crush on you
Wife: Get that soda off of my head
Date: I’m sorry, I can’t see you anymore
Waldo: Oh sorry that always happens when I stand next to a barber pole
You’re telling me a home made this meal
I started making food, then forgot I was making food so then I started making other food. Now I have two food. I’m doing great.