@Home_Halfway: PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They're gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON: They're going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
@Home_Halfway: [on horseback dressed as a knight]
ME: I wish to battle your King
CASHIER: Sir please get out of the drive-thru
ME: Tell that coward to come out and defend his throne
CASHIER: There is no actual Burger King
@Home_Halfway: RACCOON: I haven't been feeling so good lately
DOCTOR: We'll let's see. Have you been staying up all night?
DOCTOR: What have you been eating?
DOCTOR: Well you're doing all the right things
@Home_Halfway: ROSE: I'll never let go Jack
JACK: You have room
ROSE: I'll never let go
JACK: You're in a sailboat
ROSE: Goodbye Jack
JACK: You have a cooler of beer on deck
JACK: The boat has a living room
ROSE: Dude can't you just take a hint
@Home_Halfway: LAWYER: Can you tell the court where you were the night of the murder
ENGLISH TEACHER: I'm sure I CAN, yes
LAWYER: Ugh. Please tell the court where you were the night of the murder
ENGLISH TEACHER: Much better. I was killing the victim
@Home_Halfway: ME: I miss you
KIDNAPPER: Look. I got the ransom money, your family got you back. It's done. Stop calling me.
@Home_Halfway: WIFE: Here, be careful. Lift with your knees
ME: My knees don't have hands, how am I supposed to do that
WIFE: I don't understand how you have a doctorate
@Home_Halfway: ME: Are these your kids in this photo on your desk?
BOSS: Yep, Shaun and Kendra
ME: *taking out phone* I'll show you my kids, Whiskers and Meowly Cyrus
BOSS: Uh, cats aren't kids
ME: I don't have any cats