Just watched a guy cut up his burrito into dozens of little pieces. I wonder how many people he’s murdered.
Go on a romantic walk with her. Run your hands through her hair. Take her out to a nice meal. So what if she’s a police horse, who cares
PARENT: They grow up so fast. Which one is yours?
ME: *smiling proudly* The cat over there biting that blonde kid
SON: Dad what is that?
ME: *Trying to remember the name of a whale* Boy that’s a sea moose
ME: 50 Cent has to clone himself to be able to go to the Dollar Store.
DATE: Do you ever listen to yourself
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest skill?
CAR: Well, I’m very driven
Colin Firth has a younger brother named Colin Thecond.
“State your name”
“Where are you from?”
“Your wife’s name”
“Your first zodiac murder”
DATE: So, tell me about your job
ME: It’s dumb & boring
ME: *starts eating date’s food* This is for asking a bad question
LAWYER: Your Uncle Paul Watt passed away
ME: Wow I didn’t know him
L: He bequeathed his mine to you
ME: Wait a minute
L: Watts mine is yours