The Olympics are my favorite 3 week event where I get to harshly judge people way better than me.
If a bear approaches you, give up and let him eat you. He’s adorable and humans are overpopulated, take one for the team
I like to go to my local diner and order pancakes “on the rocks.” They don’t know what I mean. Neither do I. They hate it when I come in
ME: I’ve never “opened up to someone” like this before haha
SURGEON: We have literally run out of anesthesia to give you, please be unconscious
Where do they bury the bodies of the families that lose at Family Feud
DATE: So what do you like to do?
ME: Enter hot dog breeding contests
DATE: You mean “eating?”
ME: *thrusting hot dogs together carefully* No
*Hands the bouncer my ID with a note on it begging him not to let me in because I want to go home but I’m too scared to tell my friends*
FRIEND: Your smoothie looks awesome
ME: Thanks. It’s just 20oz of guacamole, it cost me $310
COMEDY FAN: Ugh their set was only 95% new material, lame
MUSIC FAN: Oh man I hope they play my favorite song that they’ve played 71,000 times
Why do we call it “hiring a hitman” and not “ordering takeout”