@Home_Halfway

Just watched a guy cut up his burrito into dozens of little pieces. I wonder how many people he’s murdered.

@Home_Halfway

Go on a romantic walk with her. Run your hands through her hair. Take her out to a nice meal. So what if she’s a police horse, who cares

@Home_Halfway

[Park]
PARENT: They grow up so fast. Which one is yours?
ME: *smiling proudly* The cat over there biting that blonde kid

@Home_Halfway

SON: Dad what is that?

ME: *Trying to remember the name of a whale* Boy that’s a sea moose

@Home_Halfway

ME: 50 Cent has to clone himself to be able to go to the Dollar Store.
DATE: Do you ever listen to yourself

@Home_Halfway

INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest skill?

CAR: Well, I’m very driven

@Home_Halfway

“State your name”
Ted Cruz
“Where are you from?”
Texas
“Your wife’s name”
Heidi
“Your first zodiac murder”
1968
“Thank you”
You’re welc-WAIT

@Home_Halfway

DATE: So, tell me about your job
ME: It’s dumb & boring
DATE: Oh
ME:
DATE:
ME: *starts eating date’s food* This is for asking a bad question

@Home_Halfway

LAWYER: Your Uncle Paul Watt passed away
ME: Wow I didn’t know him
L: He bequeathed his mine to you
ME: Wait a minute
L: Watts mine is yours