what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
You Might Also Like
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.