@HonestToddler

They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.

@HonestToddler

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

@HonestToddler

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

@HonestToddler

Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL

@HonestToddler

Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.

@HonestToddler

Tonight’s bedtime story was about three pigs struggling with repeat home invasions. Thanks for the new fear.