When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
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You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
You wish you had this many chins.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’