[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
You Might Also Like
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf