Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
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My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Happy weekend !