Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.