Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
If you’re stupid enough to start a massive fire with a “gender reveal” explosion, you should name the child Arson.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.