Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
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[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets