You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
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Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty