“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
You Might Also Like
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Hot hot hot 🥵
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.