[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
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If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.