@HousewifeOfHell

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

@HousewifeOfHell

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

@HousewifeOfHell

You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

@HousewifeOfHell

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

@HousewifeOfHell

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

@HousewifeOfHell

My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.

@HousewifeOfHell

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

@HousewifeOfHell

It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.

@HousewifeOfHell

My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”