Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
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11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Who called it baking and not making love
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.