Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
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Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.