I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
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Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.