You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
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Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.