Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Follow us on Instagram. That's it, don't make us say cringy things like YouTubers say at the end of their videos. Click here to follow us

Page of HughGoesThere's best tweets

@HughGoesThere : [leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still

@HughGoesThere: Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.

@HughGoesThere: Cop: We need to test you for marijuana.
Me: That's kashmir purple kush.
Cop: Correct, you’re free to go.

@HughGoesThere: Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

@HughGoesThere: [first date]
me: so, what's your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she's the one

@HughGoesThere: [adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you're prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.

@HughGoesThere: Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?

@HughGoesThere: [first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She's my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

@HughGoesThere: [bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
*I turn out the lights and leave

@HughGoesThere: [first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.