Typos are what differentiates is from robots
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I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”