ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
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trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.