I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
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[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”