My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
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I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
me doing my best
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.