My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
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Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
🤣🤣🤣
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.