@Humor_Fetish: Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

@Humor_Fetish: Friend: "Did you bring condoms?"

Me: "No need. If I'm drunk enough to talk to a girl, I'm way too drunk to get it up."

@Humor_Fetish: There's a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

@Humor_Fetish: I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks

@Humor_Fetish: "Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight...? You're so radical!" How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend