I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
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Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.