Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
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Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
inside you are two wolves
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.