Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
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I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this