Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
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Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
I can’t stop watching this.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler