When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
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I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Ok but actually
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.