@IAmMikeFeeney

“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server

@IAmMikeFeeney

What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”

What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”

@IAmMikeFeeney

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.