Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business