6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
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“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
beware of dog
(jukin media)
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”