Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
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“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
PLEASE READ
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.