I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
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keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”