Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
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There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
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TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.