someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
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Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
oh u like geography? name every lake
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries