I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
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There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’