I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
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Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
drew a comic about my origin story
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.