@I_am_carbs

teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?

susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons

teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice

@I_am_carbs

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

@I_am_carbs

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

@I_am_carbs

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

@I_am_carbs

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

@I_am_carbs

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork

@I_am_carbs

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

@I_am_carbs

gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now

me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*

@I_am_carbs

fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms

@I_am_carbs

me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously

personal trainer: *just glares*